If someone were to read this, I wonder if they would see the pathetic ramblings of a normal girl, or the day to day life of a twisted person. I can’t really tell where I stand in the spectrum. Maybe I don’t even qualify as sick. Maybe I’m just like every other scared and pathetic and weak little girl out there, waiting for my white knight to come get me. Maybe I’m an ungrateful bitch whose been handed everything in life and is still too scared to cross the street on my own. Or maybe, I’m just me: alone and scared in my own head and wondering how to escape. Wondering if everyone feels like this. Wondering if there is an end in sight. I’ve never been very eloquent or good with words so I often feel that the scope of my thoughts is not well relayed. I am not a pessimist. I tend to see the best in everyone and everything. Except myself of course. If it’s a friend, a teacher, a stranger, I could make up excuses for them all day. A bad situation I can always see the good in. So the place where my thinking takes a wrong turn is me. I somehow fail to see or grasp anything good or worthwhile in myself. I don’t feel worthy of companionship or love. I feel that I’m doing people a disservice by agreeing to date them. There are so many other better people out there (especially ones without a plethora of self esteem and emotional issues). I simply cannot see in myself what I cherish so readily in others.
