Two's a Crowd

More and more I’m beginning to fear relationships. There is so much to them that I don’t know how to be comfortable with. Plus, how can I be responsible for someone else’s happiness, someone else’s emotions, when I can’t even keep a reign on mine? Relationships require mutual need for each other and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to admit that I need someone else in my life. The other person needs to be needed. And I can’t offer that. Not to mention the mutual trust and honesty which I feel will rip me apart. And then there’s the intimacy. I find it near impossible to willingly take of my clothes in front of anyone. My body is revolting and made even more unpalatable by the scars that ladder up my tree-trunk thighs. No amount of alcohol has ever made me feel ok naked. And try as I might, no number of drunken one night stands has ever made me feel less prudish. I’m starting to worry I’ll never find the right relationship after all the people I’ve pushed away and told no. There have been so many people who care about me that I turn away. And worse yet are the ones who tell me they love me and then seem to find it ok to never speak to me again—I know it’s my fault that they can’t ever be around be anymore but it hurts a lot that they can so easily abandon me. Some friendship I thought I had turned into unwanted romances. I always feel used after that. Especially because I’m not pretty enough to be actually wanted. I’m sure I’m a backup, a second choice. And the longer I stay out of a relationship, the more comfortable I become with being alone. I’ve always done it this way and I’m okay. So I don’t need anyone right? Relationships feel like an intrusion; something that I have to deal with and something I have to work around. They cause me undue anxiety with the pressure to be someone else and the expectations to share and be happy and be intimate. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to do it. I feel like I’m walking around with 10 of me in my head, all telling me different things. And the listen to your heart bullshit? Does anyone ever stop to think that their heart is a giant muscle? Might as well go with listen to your quadriceps. So it’s back to thinking with your brain, but what do you do when your brain manages to simultaneously tell you different things? I can’t listen to all of them; most of all I can’t listen to myself.